Dear Editor

I fear I may be channeling Miss Snark. This just appeared on my computer screen:

Dear Editor,

While contemplating a career of selling my extensive collection of literature and research books on e-Bay, it occurred to me that perhaps I ought to consider a different approach to bestsellerdom. Would it help if my proposals:

a.) contained a werewolf or other fuzzy animal, ie: a bunny rabbit?
b.) if I wrote “I am hairy and cuddly” in a dozen different ways, preferably involving sex with another species?
c.) If I moved to New York City?


Dear Author:

All of the above.

Dear Editor:

I fear supporting myself on e-Bay would be prohibitive with the cost of NYC rooms. Would a post office box suffice?

Dear Author:

If you can fit into a post office box, yes.

Dear Editor:

Hamsters will fit in a post office box. Hamsters are furry and cuddly. They like sex, so perhaps two, furry cuddly hamsters would reproduce into an entire line of furry, cuddly creatures who will mate like bunny rabbits and propagate furry, cuddly sales until bestsellerdom is achievable.

Dear Author:

Do hamsters growl and draw blood?

Dear Editor:

These are furry, cuddly were-hamsters who live in a post office box in NYC, having orgasmic sex with the mailman who is a vampire wombat, except a furry, cuddly wombat. They sniff each other on every third page and draw blood on every fourth, and rub each other’s rippling, cuddly fur at least once a page in increasingly imaginative ways and with ever longer sentences.

Dear Author:
Send manuscript. Not hamsters.


Dang, and I thought I’d found a way of unloading the mice and that old toupee…

Sorry, I'll shut that channel now and get back to your regularly scheduled programming...

Style

And shame on me, I'm not talking writing style. I just wanted to vent.

I finished MYSTIC WARRIOR today and shot it off to my editor. (yeaaahhhh, me!) So I took the rest of the day off and poked around to see what trouble I could get in. I'm sure I found some, but what I want to vent about has nothing to do with trouble and a lot to do with fashion.

I spent a leisurely few minutes flipping through fashion catalogs that had been piling up for a while. These are stores from which I actually buy clothes. Sometimes. In the interest of full disclosure, I am a prima dona, and I can't wear pastel. Summer clothes have always been the bane of my existence. Now I'm seriously considering moving to Alaska.

Since when have t-shirts become fashion? $60 a pop fashion? I swear, I flipped through hundreds of pages of catalogs and found exactly two shirts, and they came in abominable colors like lime and pink that I wouldn't wear if you threatened me. Maybe I need to threaten them with going topless until they provide me with shirts that have collars and pockets and buttons and things that someone with a neck can wear! I can't wear collarless shirts. And I WON'T wear $60 t-shirts that I know danged well they're paying some poor slave a few cents an hour to hem. I'm betting they don't put collars and pockets on shirts now because it requires people who actually know how to SEW, meaning they'd have to pay them real wages.

So it looks to me as if I'll either have to take up sewing again, or return to the boys' department to buy my summer clothes. They do still make shirts for boys, don't they? I'm afraid to look.